Life as a chaotic neutral

Resolve

2009-12-24T10:06:44Z

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I understand the power of dividing lines, real and imagined, and this time of year brings my own life resolution strongly to mind.

I have had the same one since I was a teenager. Then, I was struggling to find myself as a writer, a woman, and a human being. Now my life is infinitely richer but the words of that younger self still ring with sincerity for me.

For how far I've come, I still need this resolution in my life. In the words I wrote some ten years ago now,

I resolve

To pen a story of growth in kindness, gentleness and patience

To draft lessons that fuel the fires of the mind and those of the soul

To author a chapter in humility and grace, honesty and selflessness

Blotted with tears, to temper compassion

Marked above all with deliberate care, for the ink that inscribes apon the heart, never fades.

The language changes, but the desires of my heart are the same. I hope that this year will find me continuing to bring out that which is kind, gentle, and patient in me. To not only learn, but also to inspire. To foster in myself the grace that comes from humility and to have honesty and selflessness in my dealings with everyone I love. To admit where I've gone wrong.

Every year I try. Every year I fall short. This year, I will try again.

My Mother's Hands

2009-12-20T22:46:41Z

I remember standing at the sink, my mother sighing at me in frustration.

'Watch how I do it. You need to use some force, just waving the cloth around the plate wont get it clean'

I watched her hands, so strong and capable, the bone and sinew so clearly outlined against her browned skin. She made it look so easy with her woman's hands.

Looking down, I see my hands as though for the first time since then. Strong and capable, scarred and darkened, the bone and sinew so clearly outlined against my browned skin. A woman's hands, to carry woman's burden.

What matters

2009-12-14T09:53:18Z

I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking lately about what is important to me, and what I want for my life. We're hoping to move soon, to one of two possible locations. One of them relies on me getting a job I'm currently interviewing for. I hope to know soon.

If we do end up moving overseas, a lot of what we own won't be coming with us. I've long felt that I wanted to own fewer things of higher quality. Now that I am with a partner who agrees, we've decided to take the plunge into minimalism. Not only will we spend less money, time, and head-space on 'stuff' but we will be able to live in a smaller space, consuming less resources. We already know we can live in each other's pockets, and D's stint of living at my apartment, and mine at his house, showed us we didn't miss the majority of our possessions when they weren't there.

We've identified what is important to us, and what we need to achieve to get there. We both want to spend more time at home together and more time preparing our own food, making working from home a priority and ruling out long commutes and on-call.

It's nice to know exactly what we want to get out of our lives, and what we need to do to get it. As soon as I find appropriate work, we're ready.

You

2009-12-02T09:35:28Z

I look at you, and see not just the man but the peace and sanctury of my life. I reach for you, and in your arms I am brought home.

Respite

2009-12-01T06:20:30Z

Today is one of those days I'm profoundly glad I can work at home. There's nothing all that wrong except that I'm tired and out of sorts and I don't like the internet very much. Particularly those bits that have people on them.

I had trouble focusing on my work today, staring blankly at the same documentation over and over, unable to overcome my inertia and decide where to start. It was a welcome distraction when Dave came to visit for an extended lunch, which also ensured I ate a sensible meal. It's too easy to forget when I'm so much inside my own head.

If my day allows it, I like to start a slow-cooking meal around lunch time so that David can serve it when he gets home. This was my second attempt at making a dhal, and it looks and smells wonderful.

It's about to get put into a container in the fridge since David is out picking up hamburgers for me at the moment. Some days just need a little help from Burger Wisconsin to get me through.

You

2009-11-30T10:05:18Z

I am not a fool. I am not too deaf to hear nor to blind to see. Do not mistake my civility to mean I am not aware of your guile.

Do not mistake nice for weak. I have a will and mind of my own, and you come close to awakening it's force against you.

You underestimate me.

olwen @ 2009-11-30T22:02:00

2009-11-30T09:02:31Z

I enjoy the rain if I don't have to be out in it. Unfortunately today I had to race to a customer's site to diagnose why their networking was neither net nor working. I didn't manage to snatch a moment for lunch until almost 3. By then, even Courtenay Place kebab seemed delicious.

My late afternoon was more peaceful. I was emailed by someone who wants to use my photography in a book he's writing, which prompted me going through photo archives looking for the originals of the shots he wanted to use. I am inspired to be better organised with my files in future.

I feel like I am buried in computers and cds and external hard disks at the moment. I'm rebuilding some older netbooks I had lying around the place for sale. In future I will own only one netbook at a time. Really. This time, I mean it.

Filled

2009-11-29T04:49:33Z

I love the glorious Wellington days. I woke to a dazzling blue sky. Warmth brings with it energy, and I washed and tidied and cleaned and sang. Even now with the clouds tinting the evening sky grey, the clarity of the day simultaneously soothes and energises me.

I'm grateful to have the strength today to beautiful my surroundings and set my things to rights. I thrive in an ordered space.

After too many failed attempts at finding iPod and iPhone cases that don't scratch the devices themselves, the household iPods now lie dreaming in their new colourful cocoons. D wanted the two colours I like least. This is how things should be.

A grey dawn

2009-11-28T07:44:04Z

Today I awoke to rain outside my window and a grey dawn. I remember a time when rain brought with it comfort and respite from the sweltering heat, making the sound of the storm forever soothing to me.

It was a perfect day to stay inside. We slept in, did some essential housework, and relaxed. There was one outing to buy Shiny Technology for D. We have his-n-hers matching laptops now.

We finished the evening with a home-made meal of crisp fried quesadillas and green salad. Now to head to bed early, to the call of the wind and the storm.

For a heart of flesh

2009-11-27T05:28:51Z

Another wedding, another celebration of love and commitment. The changing season is bringing with it an outpouring of light and laughter and happiness in the lives of so many people I know.

The grounds of the venue were beautiful, the ceremony taking place admist blooming roses. The reception was particularly touching, with the raw emotion of the families involved plain to see.

On the way home, we went shopping for an early Christmas gift for me. I now need to convert more of my music library to the right format to fill it.

A thousand words

2009-11-26T07:16:38Z

Pinched from beagl , who in turn pinched from someone else I do not know. I'm not sure if there was more to the original meme I'm missing, but as I've only really heard of it second hand - a week of three photographs a day.

I spend the majority of my day at a computer. Sometimes at a desk in an office, sometimes on my recliner at home looking out over the trees. Today I took my computer to hairygeeknz 's, alternately chatting and working from his couch.

This is not really from today, but one I processed today from photographs of a friend's wedding in Auckland. It seems the wedding season is here, with another one to attend tomorrow. Deist or no, formal or not, I find the celebration of love and life together sacred and profound. Especially when it is my own.

This is what my computer sees right now. I've collapsed in the recliner to drink tea and write. Tomorrow should hold opportunities for more photographs. I suspect many of them I'll unconsciously create in order to be able to feel I'm showing interesting and artistic photographs. I'm ok with that.

Planning

2009-11-19T04:34:39Z

After a few weeks of slightly insane supermarket shops where we wandered around aimlessly picking up whatever looked good and running up rather large bills, we've decided to try meal planning. The idea is, we plan out ahead for the week what meals we're going to have, and shop to that list.

For our habits, it's helped us spend less at the supermarket and eat more of our own cooking, both wins. What I didn't anticipate was how much fun it was going to be. I thought having our meals planned out would be less interesting, would make it harder to eat intuitively, would rob us of spontaneity.

Turns out, mostly it just makes me ravenously hungry for whatever it is we've decided on having that night. I end up thinking about it all day, looking forward to the delicious whatever-it-is we're having.

Living with an amazing cook probably helps.

This Love

2009-11-13T03:22:13Z

David & Jessica Fraser, 13/11/2009

We have just returned from a very small ceremony to form a civil union in the presence of our family - there will be a larger ceremony for all our friends and loved ones early next year, when I should have the strength and health to plan.

I look forward to celebrating this love and this life with you all.

The future

2009-11-10T10:07:00Z

Is now.

It feels like I've only just blinked, and all of my long-term planning has started coming to fruition.

I kind of like it.

Questions

2009-10-13T02:17:39Z

I did not have an inquiring mind.

I can't pin-point exactly when I awoke, but as a child my mind slept. I accepted everything I was told without question, and took everything I saw at face value. Perhaps this is just the way children are, but even at the time I had the feeling I was more credulous than the other children I knew.

This has meant that the last 10 years of my life have been punctuated by a series of minor epiphanies as I reflect on past happenings and apply to them adult understanding. Sometimes, a flash of insight, and my perception of an event changes forever.

Today, my mind wandering while I made myself a meal, I was arrested by my realisation.

That could not have been an accident.

It's just enough to make sure

2009-09-28T02:03:28Z

I want this to be right for you. I'd always had a feeling that you just didn't know how much more there could be. That there could be a someone for whom everything you found so hard, suddenly became easy. Someone who could touch the promise in you and bring it to ripeness. I want you to have found it. I want you to have found it as much as I'm on my knees in gladness that I know it in my own life.

I can't help but be afraid that it means there was something wrong with me, that no matter how hard or how long I tried, I couldn't reach.

Peace

2009-09-04T06:41:32Z

As the weather warms and the days lengthen, I'm hoping I'll manage to soon shake off the many debilitating infections that winter has brought me every year I've lived in this city.

There are times when I've felt panicked by what feels like being forced to choose between leaving the place where I've built such happiness, or continuing to suffer ill-health that worsens every year. Even though this year has been no different, I feel hopeful. Even as I'm feeling frustrated by how much I'm unable to do what I want to do, life is still so rich for me now.

Either I'll find a way to keep living here and be healthy, or I'll leave. I've built new life for myself times without measure. I'll do it again. This time, I wont be fleeing from abuse, a fugitive from pain.

I'll be running into the arms of a future I've chosen. For me.

This is the week ...

2009-08-19T06:15:27Z

... of unexpected positive feedback. I feel very thankful for the people who have taken time to lift my days with their loving and affirming words.

You all inspire me.

Transition

2009-07-19T03:51:18Z

Packing, sorting, cleaning, organising.

As I make decisions on what I will bring with me and what I will leave behind, I feel stronger. I have a vision for my future, and I'm bringing it closer every day with the work of my own hands.

This clarity and focus is growing in my life, and with it so am I.

Me

2009-07-11T23:30:14Z

Sometimes I see lambent eyes, sensual lips and skin like cream.

Other times, I just see me.

Then

2009-07-07T21:07:19Z

I could no longer hear your heart beating.

All I could hear was my own.

Wrong

2009-05-11T09:43:32Z

When you would use your strength against me to silence me, you were violent.

When you violated me as I slept, knowing I did not want you to, you were a rapist.

When you would accuse me of emotional abuse for breaking down, you were manipulative.

When you took images of me, feeling you were entitled to my sex, you were a thief.

When you used my body roughly and left me bleeding and bruised, you were abusive.

You were violent. You were a rapist. You were manipulative. You were a thief. You were abusive.

And you were wrong.

It's all so clear now

2009-05-04T11:07:24Z

Laughing, I tasted the words already on my lips. Then, today, I understood.

An overflowing of joy this powerful, this profound, this all-encompassing, demands to be celebrated and shared. Both today, and for the rest of our lives.

It makes so much sense now.

Balance

2009-04-19T09:48:12Z

I made a very drastic lifestyle change recently that I'm still working through the implications of. I deliberately took a 50% cut in income. Previously, I averaged 60 hour weeks in a hostile, cut-throat environment. The hourly rate I was working at exceeded any of my wildest dreams - but the pressure was destroying me and those close to me. The salaried job I've moved to is relaxed and laid back in a supportive environment. It's so close I can walk home for lunch on those days that I don't work from home entirely.

Other lifestyle changes have flowed from reducing my income. I've now welcomed friends into my home to share my expenses, which has the effect of reducing my personal living space. I've been sleeping, working, and playing almost entirely in my medium-sized bedroom. I've been thinking a lot lately about minimalism. If I cut down even further on what I own, it would be easier for me to live more cheaply in a smaller space, and even share it with another person.

I'm glad I had enough of a taste of success to know that while there was much to love about consulting, I let the pressure cost me too much. To feed my career I starved my personal life and it had spiraled out of control, as the broken relationships that were the casualty of my excess can attest. I would like to think that in time I could go back and manage to maintain balance - but for now, I'm glad I've found it again.

Time

2009-04-14T04:59:00Z

I have so much of it.

The rest of my life? That's at least twice as many mistakes as I've already made, again.

It's going to take a while.